A Prisoner of Love: Set Yourself Free

Is it a sin to get in love so you set yourself free?

Love is an emotion that has been bestowed in the hearts of the believers by the mercy and grace of Allah Almighty. Therefore, being in love is not in itself a sin. The potential for sin exists when one loves outside the bounds set by Islamic teachings. For today's topic in particular, we are discussing the bounds set by Islam regarding pre-marital relationships and we are hoping to help those of our brothers and sisters who find themselves now prisoners of love, i.e. they are in a pre-marital relationship and wish to turn back to Allah in repentance. Hope this helps. And Allah knows best.

How does Islam view love and emotions?

Allah Almighty has endowed human beings with the ability to experience various emotions, among them love. In the Qur'an, the term "hubh" is used and the English term "love" is only a close but not an exact approximation of the meaning of "hubh". With regard to actually experiencing love, we must make certain distinctions. First, the believers are must love Almighty Allah the most. There can be no association of partners with Allah Almighty and thereby in the loving of Allah, we must strive to be perfect, i.e. our love must be completely and solely for Allah. Second, the believers must love Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, and follow whatever he has taught us by the will of Allah. In fact, the Qur'an states quite clearly the command from Allah Almighty to Prophet Muhammad regarding loving Allah and following the Prophet: "Say: "If ye do love Allah, Follow me: Allah will love you and forgive you your sins: For Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful." (Chapter 3, Verse 31).

Finally, we are held accountable for who and what we love other than loving Allah and His messenger. The Qur'an warns us to be moderate in our love, to exercise restraint in our love, and most of all, to be constantly striving not to let our love of this world distract us from the love of Allah. We read in the Qur'an, "Fair in the eyes of men is the love of things they covet: Women and sons; Heaped-up hoards of gold and silver; horses branded (for blood and excellence); and (wealth of) cattle and well-tilled land. Such are the possessions of this world's life; but in nearness to Allah is the best of the goals (To return to)." (Chapter 3, Verse 14). It is important therefore that we are aware of our own weaknesses and prioritize our lives in such a way as to live balanced lives.

If you loved a girl so much and you tried to marry her but Allah planned otherwise, but you still feel your heart is in deep love to her, especially she is still lives close after marriage. I don’t talk to her alhamdullilah, nor do I try to commit anything that displeases Allah SWT but how do I control my emotions?

May Allah grant you patience and heal your heart. The situation you describe is one of the most challenging to deal with and that is a prime reason why in Islam, we are not allowed to enter into pre-marital relationships and to essentially "fall in love" before marriage. Pre-marital relationships are not bound by any contract and are forbidden in Islam. Since there is no contract, there is no reason why a young man or a young woman feels committed to remain in a relationship.

We realize you have loved and lost, and that is painful. Minimize if not eliminate any contact with the young woman you loved, who is now married. Be grateful to Allah for guiding you to what is best because we never know if in fact the person we think would have been the best spouse really turns out to be the best spouse. Allah knows best why she married the other man, but she is now married, so let her go. Turn to Allah and let Allah heal your heart insha'Allah. Turn to Allah and repent first if you have committed any sins. Then, continue to make du'a' to Allah to grant you a pious and righteous wife. And Allah knows best.

I admit I fell in love with a Muslim boy, who also practices Islam. I am not asking about dating this boy, just whether it is haram to fall in love with him and talk to him whenever I see him.

There is no harm in Muslim men talking to Muslim women, the "haram" comes when there are feelings of love and lust involved. Allah Almighty knows best His creation and He knows that we are forgetful beings. Even though we start off with the best intentions saying we will not commit sin, we will just talk, just hang out, etc, there is always the possibility that one or the other will become vulnerable and attempt to act upon his or her feelings of love. Therefore, Allah Almighty commands us clearly not to take risks, stating in the Qur'an, "And come not near to unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a faahishah (a great sin) and an evil way." (Chapter 17, Verse 32). This verse startles some people because they say, 'wait a minute, I was so not talking about anything remotely involving physical relations,' and yet, we know that the over time, our self-restraint dissipates and we find ourselves overwhelmed with the pangs of love. We are self-imposed prisoners of love and we do not know a way out of it. Even if this young man does not know you love him, it is still not recommended that you have contact with him unless and until you can bring yourself to stop having feelings for him or you enter into talks about marriage with him. Of course, you would have to involve your family for that!

You might be surprised that my grade 4-son came once to me and started talking about a girl in class and he finally told me, “mom, I really love this girl and I can’t imagine I sit in class without her being there.” I was really shocked and starting yelling at him – I admit I lost temper when I was supposed to deal more properly with it. Since then the boy has stopped talking to me about the girl, even though I triggered him a lot of times, but it seems that he does not want me to punish him. I am really disturbed. I thought of pulling him out of the school, but I am really confused if this would aggravate the situation or help a little bit with the situation. I gain my son’s confidence, but how do I do that?

Thank you for being so frank about this situation. Admitting that we "over-reacted" or "mis-reacted" is sometimes half the battle. Children are very perceptive and they realize that if I come to my parents and share my feelings, I am going to be punished. The best way to recover from what has already happened is to build back the rapport with your son whereby he feels comfortable talking to you. Do not bring up the girl or love or anything related because he will sense what you are doing and will not talk. Over time, you will be surprised, if you son truly feels that you care and that you will not overreact, he will insha'Allah(Allah or God willing) open up and start talking again.

Please be sure to validate his feelings, meaning let him know that it is natural, it is acceptable that he feels something such as love. However, remind him that in our religion, we are taught to exercise restraint before marriage so that we can share that special feeling of love with that one person whom Allah has chosen to be our husband or wife. Help him understand that at his age, he should be focusing on studies and sports and trying to stay out of trouble insha'Allah.

Make du'a'(Prayer) to Allah to help you to rebuild your relationship with your son. And may Allah reward you for being such a caring mother!

If a brother and sister were both involved in a pre-marital relationship (without sexual intercourse) before considering marrying, would such a sin subtract from the blessing upon them marrying? Would it be better for the illegal couple to marry or would the better scenario be for them to forget about each other and go their own separate ways? What do you think?

Thank you for this question. Remember that Allah Almighty has left open the door for repentance and He forgives those who turn to Him with sincere repentance. We read with such hope in the Qur'an, "Say: Oh my servants who have transgressed against their souls! Despair not of the mercy of Allah, for Allah forgives all sins; for He is oft-forgiving, most merciful." [Surah 39, Verse 53]. If you are both truly remorseful and repent, and Allah knows best what is in your hearts, then you are not an "illegal couple." If no one else knows of your sins, then do not disclose what Allah has kept private. However, once you repent, every action after that must be chaste, must be in accordance to Islamic teachings and you must hasten to get married insha'Allah.

Is there anything in the Qur'an and Sunnah to caution against loving a person before marriage? I see the opposite; prophet said: "there is nothing for two loving partners but marriage."

We are not familiar with the saying you attribute to the Prophet. However, when one speaks of "loving a person before marriage," then the obvious question becomes, how did you come to "love" this person? Was there any physical or virtual interaction with that person? Was it that you looked at them once and only in passing since looking at a person with lust, longingly, is prohibited? We answered a similar question in this dialog and that slightly amended response appears below.

There is no harm in Muslim men talking to Muslim women, the "haram" comes when there are feelings of love and lust involved. Allah Almighty knows best His creation and He knows that we are forgetful beings. Even though we start off with the best intentions saying we will not commit sin, we will just talk, just hang out, etc, there is always the possibility that one or the other will become vulnerable and attempt to act upon his or her feelings of love. Therefore, Allah Almighty commands us clearly not to take risks, stating in the Qur'an, "And come not near to unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a faahishah (a great sin) and an evil way." (Chapter 17, Verse 32). This verse startles some people because they say, 'wait a minute, I was so not talking about anything remotely involving physical relations,' and yet, we know that the over time, our self-restraint dissipates and we find ourselves overwhelmed with the pangs of love. We are self-imposed prisoners of love and we do not know a way out of it. Even if a person does not know that another loves him or her, it is still not recommended that one have any contact with him or her unless and until one can bring oneself to stop having feelings for him or her or one enter into talks about marriage with him or her. Of course, one would have to involve one's family for that!

What are the boundaries set by Islam to have a "halal" love? In other words, if you know a good girl and you love her, how do you make sure you don't do anything wrong. Point form would do better.

1. Islam forbids pre-marital relationships.

2. There is no such concept as "haram" love in Islam; "love" in itself is a beautiful, pure, "halal," emotion which human beings have been blessed to experience. The feeling of "love" itself cannot be haram but what one loves and how much of it one loves can be haram. The Qur'an reminds us: "Fair in the eyes of men is the love of things they covet: Women and sons; Heaped-up hoards of gold and silver; horses branded (for blood and excellence); and (wealth of) cattle and well-tilled land. Such are the possessions of this world's life; but in nearness to Allah is the best of the goals (To return to)." (Chapter 3, Verse 14).

3. No matter how much one might try to "love" a man or woman before marriage and thinking he or she will not "do anything wrong," Islam does not allow such risk-taking because He who created us and allowed us to love also knows our weaknesses.

4. The Qur'an states clearly, "And come not near unto unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a faahishah (a great sin) and an evil way." (Chapter 17, Verse 32). Therefore, even with the best intentions with the best of girls, we are commanded not to risk falling victim to shaitan's whisperings to just look, just look with desire, just hold hands, just kiss, etc. etc.

5. If you know a "good girl" and you find that you "love her," we suggest strongly that you be a "good boy" and involve your parents and her parents in talks about marriage. If that is not possible now, then put your love on hold and make sure not to have any relationship with this "good girl" so that she can remain a "good girl" and you can insha'Allah remain a pious, chaste young man.

And Allah knows best.

-Author Unknown