If you marry them, you have a better chance of keeping them

14 March 2008

By Shmuel Rosner

A new study on inter-faith couples finds intriguing 'correlation between Jewish wedding-officiating at ceremonies of intermarried couples and intermarried families raising their children as Jews.'

1. Study

A seasonal surge in studies about intermarriage provides for both interesting reading and a lot of work. After writing early this week about the new Boston study (Boston's intermarried 'as observant' as Reform Jews) I will write today about another such study - one from The National Center for Jewish Policy Studies at Hebrew College in Boston.

Prof. Arnold Dashefsky of Connecticut is the principal author of this study. One headline: queried about their parents' reaction to the prospect of intermarriage, most Jewish respondents in this study said that the parent was "not opposed, and was happy that I was happy" (39 percent of fathers and 45 percent of mothers).

With such attitude, it's no wonder that the community seems to have moved away from trying to convince young adults to marry within the faith, and is now thinking long and hard about ways with which to keep the intermarried within the community. "The Jewish community in the United States and other developed countries", Dashefsky writes in his postscript, "must face the challenges of residing in 'wall-less' contexts".

2. Marriage

This study is about people who both intermarried and have at least some interest in Judaism. It is interesting because the interviews include both the Jewish and the non-Jewish spouses. A significant indication of whether or not these couples' children will be brought up Jewish is if wedding ceremony was conducted by a rabbi. The study found "a significant correlation, with 87 percent (who experienced sole rabbinic officiating) raising Jewish children, compared to 63 percent doing so who had other forms of wedding-officiating." Meaning: If you marry them, you have a better chance of keeping them. And the opposite is also true: Christian husbands in this study have "demonstrated their negative attitude toward rabbis who would not perform a marriage ceremony between interfaith persons".

By the way, the Boston study reached similar conclusion: "The survey found a strong correlation between Jewish wedding-officiating of intermarried couples and intermarried families raising their children as Jews".

However, a word of caution comes both from the study, and from a conversation I had today with Prof. Dashefsky: "these relationships indicate associations. They are not proof of a causal path between rabbinic officiator at the marriage ceremony" and a Jewish outcome. Caution aside, it is already clear that these two studies will have an impact on the discussion of the topic in the upcoming annual convention of the Reform Central Conference of American Rabbis.

3. Acceptance

"A gap exists between" the "relatively normative Jewish connections" of the non-Jewish spouses, and "their perception of acceptance within the larger Jewish community" - concludes the study. That is one topic on which Dashefsky would like people to focus. Of those couples who do not belong to a synagogue, a majority (67%) told him that attracting them to join one will only happen "If I find a synagogue in which my spouse feels comfortable".

4. Observance

This is also something that both the Boston study and this one emphasize: "Jewish spouses of the interfaith couple resemble in many ways the typical patterns embodied by all American Jews and the respondents even exceeded the norms in formal and informal Jewish education attained as well as in the observance of rituals like lighting Hanukkah and Shabbat candles." It is "a group of adults, both Jewish and non-Jewish, evincing more 'Jewish' behaviors than the average pattern among all American Jews".

Like in the case with the Boston study, what this study describes here is the half-full glass. One should also note that "being Jewish" was not as important to these couples as it is to the general Jewish population and that "more than half of the Jewish respondents reported that they had a Christmas tree and three-quarters exchanged Christmas presents." Whether that makes these families less of a "Jewish home" is open for interpretation and debate (Prof. Steven Cohen would say it does).

5. Agreement

"Agreement and tensions between interfaith couples were primarily centered on three themes: values and spirituality, religious observances and holidays, and raising children." The result might be confusing: "there is a diversity of practices followed by interfaith couples and this fact will need to inform programmatic responses of the community and its constituent organizations".
6. Implications

This is where the study becomes practical. "Some Christian and Jewish respondents stated that they found the Jewish community accepting and warm." But, "many Christian husbands and wives stated that they felt rejection or a lack of acceptance from the community". The couples interviewed for the study offered advice: They want more "classes, discussion groups, and support services" for interfaith couples; they want more resources with which to better understand Judaism and how it can relate to their daily lives; they want services to be "easy for non-Jews to understand".

And here is one or two of the suggestions to the Jewish community that were made by the scholars: "convey an explicit message that it welcomes interfaith couples"; Avoid off-putting expressions; "Offer incentives for interfaith families to encourage participation in Jewish institutions." And what about the rabbis? Either marry couples, or make sure that "the couple does not view the rabbi's inability and unwillingness to officiate as a personal rejection."


More on intermarriage on Rosner's Domain:

Boston's intermarried 'as observant' as Reform Jews

Changing face of American Jewry: Reaching out to interfaith families

The in-married Jewish people, the intermarried Jewish people

Are intermarried couples hopeless?

A dialogue with Edmund Case of InterfaithFamily.com

A dialogue with Prof. Sylvia Barak Fishman on inter-marriages and conversion
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Commentary

by HRM Deborah

In Judaism you are having similar to the same problem is what is occurring especially in America with the Islamic population, while the Jewish religion calls them Converts, in Islam it is Revert.

From what I read, I going to make several remarks, first I think you are having a problem in these marriages in question because some of your Converts are doing so not for G-d, but to get married. I have seen this way to many times and I do not agree that people should do this.

Judaism as is what is going on in Islam, is people are coming into these religions as if they are wearing a faith coat that they can take on and off when ever they feel like it. Which has caused numerous problems, like for instance the remark of celebrating Christmas which is contrary to Judaism or think that all that is in Judaism doesn‘t necessary apply to them, type of thinking.

As intermarried special activities or classes, I am sorry but I do not agree; you should keep to the teaching of Judaism in every manner, because if you do not, eventually Judaism would be gone and I do not wish to see this. As well as all who are Jewish should always a hear to what was set down by G-d.

If a Jewish man marries someone that is not Jewish or a convert, the education and religion of the children is always the same as the father. As well as a Jewish woman, should never marry anyone but another of her religion, as far as I know this has always been the law.

I am going to be perfectly honest here, there is a saying to marry only someone like your self, because it elevates many problems and will keep Judaism strong and focused on G-d. This is just a suggestion.

As for a Rabbi not marrying anyone because of the old laws, is actually commendable and if a couple does not agree they should not be married in the first place.

As for the less observant, they remind me of the ones that are in Islam and I call them Muslim in name only, I hope you understand my reference. I am sure G-d looks at these people in Judaism the same as He would in Islam with sadness. Because anyone who does not do all that G-d commands, He tends to turn his back on them.

Case in point, of an article I wrote last year, while it has to do with Muslims, the same adage applies here.

As for people being accepted, everyone in this life should always feel welcome and loved, as well as any kindness one can show to each other as much as possible. This may also slow down some of your current problems. One thing I notice these days is a lot of people have forgotten that love and kindness to others is always important, no matter who the person may be. However, it does not necessary mean to marry them.

I do hope this gives a few idea’s to the situation.

Note:
There are some people entering certain religions as converts, for the sole purpose to undermine and destroy said religion.