Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid. And if You’re Not, You’re Just Not Trying

21 July 2007

by Mark Drolette

Did you know you stand a better chance of either being eaten by a shark (in your bed) or hearing George W. Bush use proper subject-verb agreement than you do of being the victim of a terrorist attack?

From where does this information emanate? Well, I just made it up, but if that approach is good enough for the White House, it’s good enough for me.

Seriously, though, I know my chances of dying at the hands (or feet) of a suicide shoe bomber, or even one with an explosive sock, are infinitesimally small. And even if it happens, it happens; I’m not going to let unreasonable fears run my life. (As opposed to reasonable ones, like, say, getting married for a fourth time, but that’s another story. Or several, all available at the county courthouse.)

But way too many Americans don’t think like that. Millions are scared out of their wits of being blown to bits, judging by the way they swallow whole the feary tales they’re fed by the Brothers Grim (aka Bush and the Dick). They accept as true the most fantastic things, booga-boogas that even a nanosecond’s worth of introspection would show to be utterly laughable.

For instance, in December 2005, Bush came up with this beaut that, naturally, the whoreporate media didn’t bat a hooker’s fake eyelash at:

The terrorists’ stated objective is to drive U.S. and coalition forces out of Iraq and gain control of that country, and then use Iraq as a base from which to launch attacks against America, overthrow moderate governments in the Middle East, and establish a totalitarian Islamic empire that reaches from Spain to Indonesia.

Now honestly, you don’t believe that, do you? Because if you do, I’ve got a lovely lot of seventy-two virgins you may be interested in. (Only a few are “pre-owned,” too.)

But of course you don’t, because you have smarts (which, any day now, are sure to be banned by executive order). Plenty of folks do buy Bush’s bullying bull, however, no doubt the same scaredy-cats who are convinced rapidly-replicating Muslims will soon take over Europe and, worse, make everyone renounce pork.

Check out Johann Hari’s experience, as recounted in The New Republic, on a week-long National Review-sponsored cruise he somehow survived that was, surprise!, replete with rabid right-wingers.

While aboard, Londoner Hari is “asked nine times…when [he plans on] fleeing Europe’s encroaching Muslim population for the safety of the United States.”

When a woman learns he’s childless, she warns him he’d better get on the ball(ing) since: “The Muslims are breeding. Soon, they’ll have the whole of Europe.”

Another woman intones, “I went to Paris, and it was so lovely. But then you think — it’s surrounded by Muslims.” Her friend adds ominously: “They’re out there, and they’re coming.”

Finally, at cruise’s end, Hari gets some helpful parting advice from a paternalistic judge: “We have written off Britain to the Muslims. Come to America.”

I’d suggest Hari not tarry, for at the rate things (like the Constitution) are going, it won’t be long before we’ll have nothing left to fear in America but being told there’s nothing we shouldn’t fear.

See, as everyone knows, Bush is famous for exclaiming: “They hate us for our freedoms!” Well, he’s taken care of that — by taking care of them. Freedoms in today’s America are scarcer’n a San Francisco Giants World Series championship. (As a lifelong fan, that one hurts.)

If the terrorists still detest us for our long-gone liberties, I wish someone would update ‘em right quick so they can go pick on some other country that doesn’t consider “cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment” a perfectly acceptable way to gain legally admissible statements (courtesy of the Military Commissions Act of 2006).

Quaking Americans’ Allah-encompassing fear about being overrun by terrorists (read: Muslims) is also evident per their regular parroting of another favorite Bushism: We either fight them over there or fight them here.

OK, so who’s got a copy of the Terrorist’s Handbook? Is there some rule in there that precludes them from fighting us in both places at once? Even if there isn’t, or if there is and the terrorists decide at some point to break it (they’re notorious cheaters: play Scrabble with one and you’ll understand), just how, exactly, would they get here?

By rowboat? Dirigible? Mailing themselves in packages? (Someone immediately alert the post office to check all parcels bearing air holes or stickers of Osama bin What’s-His-Name.)

Look, no one with any real intelligence (i.e., non-Republicans) doubts there are, indeed, truly evil men intent on using any means necessary, including instilling paralyzing fear deep inside the psyche of every American, to help destroy this country. Thus, I feel it my patriotic duty to reveal exactly where these monsters are headquartered:

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Mark Drolette is a writer who lives in Sacramento, California, and whose next book, Why Costa Rica? Why the hell not?, will also be his first. It will be available once it's finished, published and then made available.